[X] My Assistant

[Raider]

>>Subject: Pilots' Complaints
>>
>>
>>
>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a
>> sense of humor.
>>
>> Here are some actual maintenance complaints
>> submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
>> and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)
>> by maintenance engineers.
>> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
>> that has never had an accident.
>>
>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>
>> P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>
>> P: Something loose in cockpit.
>> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>>
>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>
>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
>> feet-per- minute descent.
>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>
>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>> S: Evidence removed.
>>
>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>
>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>> S: That's what they're for.
>>
>> P: IFF inoperative.
>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>
>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>
>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>>
>> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>>
>> P: Target radar hums.
>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>
>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>> S: Cat installed.
>>
>> And the best one for last..................
>>
>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
>> Sounds like a midget pounding on something
>> with a hammer.
>> S: Took hammer away from midget.