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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails
> > over the past year.
> >
> >
> > Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door
> > without using a paper towel.
> >
> > I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
> > don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
> > through the channels.
> >
> > I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
> > only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
> > washed.
> >
> > I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood
> > anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all
> > kinds of nasty germs including feces.
> >
> > I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
> > driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
> > is picking your nose.
> >
> > Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I
> > can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have
> > consumed over the years.
> >
> > I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
> > placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
> >
> > I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one
> > about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
> > use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
> >
> > Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
> > the same reason.
> >
> > I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
> > girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
> > the 1,387,258th time.
> >
> > I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
> > once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
> > and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
> > e-mail program
> >
> > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
> > angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has
> > granted my every wish.
> >
> > I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
> > horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> >
> > I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
> > smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
> >
> > Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
> > answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
> > make a wish within five minutes.
> >
> > Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
> > it can remove toilet stains.
> >
> > I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
> > to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
> > back seat when I'm pumping gas.
> >
> > I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
> > make these products are atheists who refuse to put
> > 'Under God' on their cans.
> >
> > I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
> > causes cancer.
> >
> > And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
> > water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
> > face...disfiguring me for life.
> >
> > I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
> > could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
> >
> > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
> > me with a perfume sample and rob me.
> >
> > I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
> > are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> >
> > I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
> > don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
> >
> > I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
> > dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with
> > calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan .
> >
> > I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since
> > I now have their recipe.
> >
> > Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
> > because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
> > to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
> >
> > And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
> > $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
> > placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab
> > my leg.
> >
> > If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> > people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea
> > will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the
> > fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
> > grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
> > actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
> > ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> > beautician...
> >
> >
> > A Smile Improves Face Value.
>
>
>
