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A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment
of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo.
Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC , 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington. You will be pleased to learn that, thanks to
the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under
heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin
Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct
weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate
with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity
to what you described as is "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling
and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since
he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I am sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka -- over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you who know
so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
You take good care of Ahmed -- and remember -- we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially -- Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo.
Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC , 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington. You will be pleased to learn that, thanks to
the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist
Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under
heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin
Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards
you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct
weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate
with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity
to what you described as is "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling
and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since
he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I am sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka -- over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you who know
so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
You take good care of Ahmed -- and remember -- we'll be watching.
Good luck!
Cordially -- Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
